“Testing God”
By Donald McCarthy
“Did they send you here to talk to me?” asked the man behind the force field. His eyes were wide but not scared as Deborah thought they would be. He seemed disturbingly calm considering what he held in his hand.
“They did,” said Deborah. She stood outside the force field; the green dome it formed ended only inches away from her face. She looked the very opposite of the man inside the force field. While he appeared young and energetic, she looked hobbled and lethargic. The mirror told her every day that she hadn’t aged well and that there were more years behind her than in front of her. At least her mind remained as sharp as always. When it came time for her to talk someone out of doing something incredibly stupid she was as skilled now as she had been ten or twenty years before.
“What’s your name?” asked the man.
“Deborah,” she said. “Yours?
“Jack.”
“Jack,” she repeated, wondering briefly if that was really his name, but for the time being it didn’t matter. Her only objective was to get him to put down the device he held in his hand and lower the force field. She’d have another decision to make after that, one that wouldn’t be easy, but she’d worry about it when the time came.
“What did they tell you about me?” asked Jack, sounding genuinely curious.
“They only told me what it is that you’re holding,” said Deborah. “So far they haven’t been able to figure out who you are.” She didn’t like going into a situation where she knew nothing about the person she’d have to negotiate with and doubly so in this case as she’d been informed that the device he currently held in his hand was capable of turning the galaxy into one giant black hole, eliminating everything and everyone in it. She found this bit of information almost incomprehensible.
“I got into the most secure research lab in the world,” the man said, smiling with pride. “Do you really think it’d be that difficult for someone like me to make it hard for others to find out who I am?”
“Fair point. It’s safe to say then that you know what you’re holding, right?”
“I do,” he confirmed, still smiling. “It’s why I’m here.”
“Well let’s make a deal, okay?” Deborah kept her voice even, which wasn’t hard. Despite knowing that the galaxy’s continued existence depended on whether or not she could persuade Jack not to activate the device, she wasn’t overly worried. It had nothing to do with training or experience but the sheer magnitude of the idea of the galaxy ending was too big for her to wrap her head around. Even seeing him, knowing he was on the precipice of ending it all barely affected her nerves.
What did bother Deborah was a small nagging in the back of her head that told her to glance behind. She and Jack were at the far end of the largest research laboratory on the planet. It was an open room that housed up to three hundred scientists at a time. The height of the room only made it appear larger, as it stretched up at least three hundred feet. Due to the height there were three walkways on the opposite side of the room, each about eighty feet above the previous one. On the highest walkway a man dressed all in black held a sniper rifle aimed at Jack’s head. If Deborah could get Jack to lower the field she could give the signal for the sniper to execute Jack. All she had to do was raise her right hand in the air if she suspected he wasn’t going to come in or was having second thoughts despite lowering the field.
She worried about whether the sniper was actually there. She’d been assured he was and that he wouldn’t be leaving but she never got the chance to see him. Worrying about that was a lot easier than worrying about the galaxy ending. She could at least comprehend the sniper having buggered off somewhere as opposed to the galaxy turning into a giant black hole, ending all life in it.
“I don’t know about a deal,” said Jack “I’ll have to hear what it is first.”
“It’s simple,” she said. “I’ll be completely honest with you, if you’re completely honest with me.”
He cocked his head to the side, either thinking it over or acting like he was thinking it over. “I can do that. Deal.”
Well that was some progress at least. “The people who sent me in here are under the impression that you’re not here to examine that device or even to steal it. They think you’re going to activate it. Judging by the shield you’ve put up around yourself I’d say that’s a good guess on their part.”
“Oh, it is,” said Jack.
He was up front if nothing else. “How close are you to being able to do that?”
Jack glanced down at it. “Pretty close. It’s not like you just flip a switch, though. There’re a lot of codes and equations to enter in.”
“So why are you planning on activating that device?”
“I guess what I’m looking for is an answer to a question that I’ve been struggling over for a very long time.”
“What’s the question?” she asked, slightly dreading the answer. If it turned out to be something completely nonsensical then this negotiation would be more difficult.
“I guess it’s one of the oldest questions out there. Does God exist?”
“That is a big question.” It wasn’t, of course. Not for her. But if she told him her thoughts on the matter he might hurry up and detonate just to spite her. “But how does blowing us all up answer the question?”
“Oh, c’mon. You’re a smart woman, right? You’d have to be to be the negotiator they picked to talk me down. It’s really quite simple: if I activate the device and the galaxy doesn’t end, then God exists; but if it does end, then he doesn’t.”
Was he a religious fundamentalist? Possibly, she thought. But if he was wouldn’t he be certain of God’s existence? What then did that make him? Just insane? No, that was too easy a label. “But if it turns out that the device does detonate then you realize you will die, right?”
“I do,” he said. “But if God doesn’t exist, then what’s the point? There’s no longer any meaning to anything. Our existence becomes only a slave to random chance.”
Shit. How do I answer that? she asked herself. She could try and give him a philosophical answer but she doubted he’d play into that. Perhaps a play at his humanity would work. Despite the craziness of his plan he so far appeared to be a thoughtful person. She detected no malice in his words, no loathing towards her or anyone else. “Let’s say for a second that it explodes. I understand that for you life loses all meaning. I respect that. But what about everyone else? What about the atheists who have always lived without God? Or what about the Buddhists? Or what of the animists? Those people have managed to live without belief in a monotheistic deity that controls the universe.”
Jack closed his eyes, his mouth forming a frown. He softly said, “I’m being selfish, I know. But I can’t go on without knowing the answer.” He opened his eyes and his frown disappeared. “But let’s take another look at it. What if the device doesn’t detonate? What if God’s presence is made manifest? Wouldn’t that be brilliant? Wouldn’t it be worth the risk?”
“You think it’s worth the risk?” she asked, already relatively confident what his answer would be.
“I do.”
“I don’t,” she said. She was careful to be sure that she didn’t sound judgmental but allowed her words to carry weight, to let him know she believed what she said. She needed to make sure he didn’t try to turn this around and start questioning her beliefs. “I think many others would agree with me.”
“Perhaps. But perhaps many would agree with me.”
“True.” She started walking around the perimeter of the force field, forcing Jack to follow her. Even if she hadn’t convinced him to lower the field he at least wasn’t working on activating the weapon. “So it comes down to what side you take. Do you take the side of the people who think risking the galaxy is worth it or the side that says it’s not? I don’t know about you but I think the safer bet is to go with the group that thinks it’s not worth risking the galaxy. I mean, you still have your whole life ahead of you; it’s possible that you could figure out another way to prove God’s existence.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Humanity has existed for a long time and it’s only thanks to this piece of technology that we truly have the capacity to do something large enough to test the theory of God.”
“Take a guess at how old I am.”
He looked put off at the change of topic. “Uh, sixty-five?”
How kind. “I’m seventy-eight. I’ve been a negotiator my whole professional life. I’ve talked to filthy, horrible people. I’ve talked to things that looked human but weren’t human, things that couldn’t be human because they so lacked regard for other people. I’ve had to talk people out of killing children, Jack. Yet you’ve beat them all with what you’re threatening to do. What makes me, well, a little confused is that you don’t harbor the hatred, the disregard for humanity that many of the others do. You just don’t seem like a bad person. You seem like a lost person. What happened that brought you to this?”
He glanced down at the device and Deborah froze. For a moment she thought he was going to go back to activating it. Instead he just sighed and muttered, “I don’t know. I wish I had a sad story I could tell you so you could make me feel better and this would all pass. But I don’t have one.”
“What I’m trying to say is that you’re not the man who should be threatening to end the galaxy,” said Deborah. “You’re better than that.”
He looked up, meeting her gaze. “I have to do it. I can’t go on without an answer. I just can’t.”
“Why not?”
He said, “I can’t go everyday wondering if my life means something. If there’s no meaning then why do anything? Why help someone across the street if they’re just a bunch of cells that somehow gained sentience? But if there is a God then there’s meaning. Then there’s something more, something that makes everything we do worth it. Something that makes the pain we all feel mean something more.”
She knew that despite her conversation so far he still intended on detonating the weapon. It didn’t scare her but it did feel sobering, as if she’d learned she had stage four cancer and her life was nearing its end.
“I’m sorry but this is the way it has to be,” he said. “I’m going to get my answer for certain now.”
She saw it then. “What if you don’t?”
“Excuse me?”
“Just stay with me for a moment here. What if there’s something you haven’t thought of? You’ve limited yourself to two possibilities: if you blow us all up then God doesn’t exist and if the device doesn’t activate then God does exist. What if there’s a third option?”
“What third option?” he said, sounding concerned. He walked right to the force field, his nose just a centimeter away from it. “There’s no third option.”
“Yes there is. What if God exists but he doesn’t stop you?”
“He has to stop me or I’ll wipe out all of humanity. I will end it all.”
It was this or nothing. If this didn’t convince him then Deborah would very likely be gone within the next ten minutes. “I’m old even for my age. My body is tired; my face is looking more and more like that of a corpse. My end is near. I’ve been wondering during this whole conversation why I’m not more nervous and I realized it’s because I’ve lived a life I can be proud of. If I die now then I accept that. What if God would accept humanity’s end? Everything has to go someday. Or, let’s take it a step further. What if God doesn’t even care if humanity ends?”
“He has to care,” Jack said.
“And what tells you that? Look back at humanity’s history. What divine intervention has happened that makes you think God cares?”
“Because this is bigger than all of that. All life here will end and so will life on every other planet in this galaxy.”
“There’s been mass extinction before and God didn’t stop it,” said Deborah, sensing that she might be making headway. His narrowed eyes and pursed lips told her that concern was building inside of him. “This weapon capable of causing a black hole was built and God didn’t stop it. Maybe all those things happened because he had no problem with it or, worse, didn’t care.”
“No…” His voice was weak.
“Think about the worst kid you knew when you were back in school. You know, the one who was always causing the most trouble, beating kids up, stealing their money and being an all around waste of life. If you went home I guarantee you wouldn’t find two concerned parents, wondering why their kid was such a fuck-up. No, you’d see two parents who didn’t give a shit. If there’s any higher being that’s watching us do what we do, well, I have to think that he or she or it doesn’t give a shit.”
Jack half whimpered and half groaned.
Deborah said nothing, giving him time to think. She didn’t grow impatient and stare him down. Instead she looked around the room, not wanting him to feel pressured. The sniper was probably wondering what she was doing and her superiors were probably growing terrified. But they couldn’t do anything now, not at this stage.
After a minute of silence Jack asked, “What do you think?”
“I think we now have three options and out of those three two are bad for humanity.”
Another minute of silence passed. This time it was not broken by speech but by the sound of metal on metal as Jack placed the device on the floor. “Do you believe in God?” he asked. “Answer me honestly.”
He could pick the device up again but the look of resignation on his face told her he wouldn’t. “No, I don’t,” she said.
“I want to,” said Jack. “I want to believe he cares. But I just don’t know.”
“A lot of people live with that feeling. Some have faith and some turn out like me.”
“I don’t like this feeling at all. It hurts.” He let out a long, deep sigh. “If I take down the force field what will happen?”
“What do you want to happen?” she asked.
He smiled but there was neither warmth nor optimism in it. “I can guess about what was probably set up before you came in here. We’re not alone. I’m not stupid.”
“I certainly never took you for a stupid man.”
“I don’t want to say it. But do you know what I want?”
“I do.”
He nodded and put his hand in his pocket. A moment later he removed a very small remote and gently pressed the button on it. The force field came down instantly. He smiled tightly. Deborah managed a small smile in return. She raised her right hand.
A loud gunshot sounded and a hole appeared in Jack’s forehead. He jerked and fell back, slamming into the floor.
Deborah considered collecting the device but didn’t. She’d leave that mess for someone else to deal with. Instead, she walked away, feeling not as relieved as she knew she should have.
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